Every leader’s real problem

I noticed something pretty shocking recently.

It happened after this newsletter updated its welcome email and encouraged readers to reply. I’m asking new subscribers to hit reply and email me.  I’ve gotten TONS of responses to that email.

I’m personally responded to to those emails (which is pretty overwhelming, but I’m getting it done).

As I got into email conversations with some readers and drilled down into what was going on with them, I saw one unifying theme.  And it wasn't sales, marketing, leadership, or anything like that.

I noticed with striking consistency: that everyone was beating themselves up about SOMETHING.

Why do we do this? And what are some ways to do it less (if that's what you want?).

This is the subject of today's email.

What Motivates You?

From my experience (and according to Conscious Leadership Group), there are 5 major motivators:

• Fear

• Extrinsic (i.e., money, titles)

• Intrinsic (i.e. beating your own score)

• Genius/Play (doing something because you love it)

• Love/Empathy (helping the human experience)

All people use all motivators all the time. Any given day, you may jump from motivator to motivator, depending on the subject matter and how the meeting goes.

Most people have a primary motivator. And most people’s primary motivator is… FEAR.

Humans were actually designed this way! We were biologically designed to scan constantly for threats. Originally, this was to protect us from mortal danger.  We didn't want to be eaten by a lion.

Most of us, though, are not in any mortal danger. But that part of us still exists. And we now sense threats to what we think is us but is really our ego. (Our "sense" of self.)

So, it’s totally normal to feel fear and USE fear to motivate ourselves. Most of society, government and parenting use FEAR. It’s used because of our human-ness but also: IT’S HIGHLY EFFECTIVE.

Put a gun to my head, I'll run the fastest I ever have.

Give your kids a punishment, they'll change their behavior.

Sales environments that fire people have great results.

So we all use fear, because it works! But there are major downsides to fear:

1) It's not pleasant!

Lets face it, this is the biggest downside.

At Ampush when we had huge win, close a multi million dollar client, my wife would excitedly celebrate. I'd snap at her, "Don't jinx us!"

If numbers looked bad, I'd search to find blame until I was satisfied.

Worst of all, when I finally made millions… I felt nothing! And considered that I needed to make my number BIGGER to feel good about it.

Using fear can be effective. But its a drab existence. It's not fun for you or for anyone around you.

2) It’s not sustainable

I experienced this first hand after the first Ampush exit. I had used fear to motivate myself my whole life - fear I wouldn't be successful, fear the company would fail, you name it.

When I finally got the win, I couldn't use those same fears. So I felt lost. I felt rudderless.

When fear doesn’t work, a lot of entrepreneurs decide… "I must create more fear." They say “Oh, I need a bigger exit or a different kind of success." And run off to created bigger fear and more things to fear. It usually just leads to an even less pleasant existence, and it’s just as hollow.

When I first explain this to most entrepreneurs, they have 1 of 2 reactions.

Either: “Oh wow, you're right. I am fear-motivated. But I NEED my fear, it’s my edge, it’s my chip that makes me achieve. Without it, I'd be lost an unsuccessful.”

Or: “Oh wow, you're right I am fear motivated.  That is HORRIBLE.  I don't WANT to use FEAR.  I must change immediately, how do I use the other ones?!”

In both cases, the same thing is happening. They are meeting their fear… WITH FEAR (head explodes).  Sure, the pushbacks are different, but both are "afraid" - one of losing the fear, the other of having fear.

This is what the ego does - it exists to protect us and allow us to survive. NOT to make us happy. And most of the time, that means it doesn't want us to change. It maintains that status quo that is known and safe.

What do you do instead?

I could probably write a book on my 7+ year journey to answer "what do you do instead?" It involved meditation, books, hours of coaching, difficult conversations, breathwork and even more extreme things.

But, let me give you a few practical tips:

1) Awareness

The first thing my coach had me do for 1+ year was simply NOTICE when I was using fear (or what conscious leadership calls being Below the Line).

This can happen from the words I use, what feelings are in my body, or recurring thoughts I'm having.

For example, when I use the words “SHOULD” or “MUST,” I know I'm in fear. When my chest is tight or my hands clench, I'm in fear. If I keep thinking either/or, looking for blame or scarcity (not enough time/$), I know I'm in fear.

Throughout my journey, this keeps popping up as the hardest part of the journey! Some practical tips for this:

• Get the app Mind Jogger or Yapp and just have it randomly pop up the phrase “Fear or Trust?” throughout the day. It’ll remind you to check in on which state you’re in. Do a regular personal check in.

• Give permission to your close team and family to ask which state you’re in.

• Always check in during transitions (between meetings/calls, from home to car, etc.)

A big one is awareness help: meditation. Meditation helps you notice your thoughts and build the awareness to know where you are, what you're feeling, etc.

Reply to this email if you want to hear about my meditation journey.

2) Breathe!

This is the simplest and most effective thing you can do.

Use Box Breathing, a technique Navy SEALS are known to practice. Breathe in for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7. Let your breath out for a count of 8.

This is sort of a cheat because no matter what state you’re in if you spend 30-60 seconds breathing, you are likely to leave the state of fear.

3) Appreciate your fear

Remember the responses above? Either people didn't want to let their fear go or they immediately didn't want fear. Those are both fear responses to fear!!

Try something else: Appreciate that fear. It’s a part of you. It’s likely served you extremely well and helped you many many times.

Rather than fearing it, love it! When you do that… something crazy happens.  You feel less fearful, in general.

So if I'm beating myself up, whether on the tennis court or after a meeting…I'll pause and say, "Oh thanks ego, you're looking out for me! You also look to protect me." Immediately, I feel less fearful and tense.

Now, you may be left with bigger questions: “Jesse, how do I use the OTHER motivators?  How do I find my genius or love motivation?”

There are answers to that - but I'd actually tell you to pause/wait/hold off asking them. It’s probably the fear/ego in you that is wanting them.

Instead, try the 3 things above, especially just NOTICE 5 times when fear has captured you.  And that will begin a massive transformation…

Have a great week!

-jesse