I asked her, “What do YOU want?” and she froze

Recently, I grabbed coffee with a local entrepreneur. Let’s call her “Jane.”

Jane had an incredibly inspiring story. She went from a high-powered professional to having the courage to leave her job to help people.

She had built a services business (I'm purposefully being obscure to protect her identity) that had grown quickly, and the work itself was fulfilling.

I listened and shared my enthusiasm!

After Jane told me all the amazing things she was doing, she stared off into the distance. Something seemed off. I followed my heart.

"So, what's keeping you up at night?"

She looked back and reluctantly shared, "I feel like I've created a high-paying, high-stress job for myself."

I felt for her in that moment, and she's not alone. As you've heard me say before,

Let me remind you what both of those terms mean:

• Asset: A useful or valuable thing

• Liability: The state of being responsible for something

Now you understand, I hope.

Jane pressed me on tactical suggestions:

• “Jesse, how should I keep my calendar?”

• “What do you do to maintain customer retention?”

• ”Any suggestions for building my pipeline?”

I waved those off. I asked a simple question, “What do you want?”

She looked confused and blurted out a rehearsed answer, “To build my business, grow it and have success and impact.”

I said again, with an emphasis on one specific word, “What do YOU want?”

Jane paused. The look on her face told me she had NEVER actually stopped to ask herself that question.

So, I gave her a homework assignment: Imagine it’s 5 years from now and your life is EXACTLY as you want it. Describe it in detail.

I call this the Personal DFS, Desired Future State. I learned it from Dave Kashen and Bryan Franklin. I've previously written about the Business DFS, but let's explore its father: the Personal DFS.

(After all, the Business DFS should flow from the Personal DFS.)

I'll use the same example I used for Jane: Myself.

At Ampush, I (unconsciously) wanted to build a successful company. Being a good husband, friend and, even, leader were NOT my priorities. A successful company was my top goal, and I created one.

At Gateway X, I was far more indulgent and conscious. I wanted multiple profitable businesses. I wanted to work only in my zones of genius. I wanted to see my kids 80% of mornings and evenings.

And guess what? I created it.

That is not to brag, but to say: These weren't accidents.

Clarity around what YOU want (personally) is the most important starting point. And one of the best parts: You can stop no matter where you are in the journey and write it down.

Here are 3 important tips to do this well and make it effective. I'll call them:

The biggest mistake I see people make is that they start this exercise by compromising, "Well, I can't have that," or "That won't work."

I did this exercise with Adriane, my cofounder in GrowthAssistant, and it took me 30 minutes to get her away from today’s reality. ”Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” felt too close, so I doubled the timeline.

“Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?”

Consider that whatever you say you want in the DFS is what you'll get. Don't make the DFS something you think you CAN get — that defeats the purpose. It should feel like a reach.

My favorite example is when JFK said, “I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the earth.”

He basically said, "I will make pigs fly," and he did it.

There isn't a billionaire or other successful person I know who “made it” without first saying, “This is what I desire.”

Dream big. And big doesn't mean literal size. It means exactly what you want. Your 10/10.

It may be a billion dollar company, or it may mean making $300k a year with 20 hours of work and no boss. Whatever it is, make it for yourself.

(Side note: Sometimes people do this activity and use it as an anvil or whipping block for themselves. That's not what I'm suggesting! This is something exciting and inspiring you're running towards, not some picture to compare yourself to and feel bad.)

When I say detailed, I mean DETAILED. Questions include:

• Where do you live?

• Are you single or married? If you’re married, describe your spouse in detail. Describe what your relationship is like, how you act around each other and any little thing.

• Do you have kids? How many? What are their ages? What are they like?

• What about your health and hobbies? How much do you weigh? What exercise do you do? What's your diet like? Get specific!!

• How about your business? What's its 2030 revenue? How much profit? How many employees? What does it do? Business lines? Offices? Do you still own it, or did you sell it already?

(Lots of entrepreneurs REALLY resist this because they are afraid they are "jinxing" themselves. I get it, but it’s OK to dream, and the clearer your desires are the more you are likely to create them.)

• Think about your time and work. Do you work 0, 20 or 60 hours a week? How do you spend that time? What activities do you participate in? What types of meetings?

• Anything else? Relationship with friends and parents? What’s a random cool thing you did (e.g. painting artwork)? You choose! It’s your future.

There's a woo-woo thing (which I DO believe in) about "manifesting" at play here… Put out into the universe what you want, and it will deliver.

But much more practically, knowing what you want will constantly shape your decisions, and those decisions will shape your future.

This I learned in between my time stepping away from Ampush and starting Gateway X. I felt stuck. I was intimidated by a big end goal.

As I talked to my coach Dave about this, he shifted the conversation, "Jesse, lives are not lived in years or in some end goals. They are lived moment-to-moment and day-to-day."

So, to figure out my next step, he had me create my "perfect week."

What happens Monday morning? When do I wake up? What do I do first? How is my time spent?  And so on and so forth.

The “Make it daily” concept is less about what you want to achieve and more about how you want to live. Ultimately, we do just live every day.

Whether you are a success or a failure, rich or poor, the whole world wakes up, does stuff and goes to sleep.

So I find it very powerful to attach a "How you will live" element to the personal DFS.

There you have it! The starting point for the life you want… A Personal DFS.

jesse

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